A saint. An absolute saint....

Removal Home in Cork

Mary: *Blesses herself* Ah look at him lying there. I can't believe he's gone.

Sheila: *Blesses herself* I know Mary. A lovely man he was.

Mary: A saint Sheila, an absolute saint. God only takes the good ones.

Sheila: I know Mary. Not a bad bone in his body, bless him.

Mary: And never a bad word to say about anyone.

Sheila: Never. A diamond he was. A pure diamond.

[30 second silence]

Mary: Fond of the odd tipple though

Sheila:  He was. He was indeed. A lovely man though, god bless him and save him. But he liked his few drinks.

Mary: He did. A good soul through and through though, bless him.

Sheila: Pure goodness Mary. Good to the core. I'd always see him coming out of Hoggy's Bar there of a Sunday night.

Mary: That's right Sheila. And Mondays and Tuesdays too. Sure bless us and save us he looks like he's only asleep.

Sheila: A sleeping angel is what he is. Sure he never looked better Mary.

Mary: I was thinking the same. He looks handsome. A vision. They did a great job with him.

Sheila: Hoggy's?

Mary: No Sheila, the undertakers.

Sheila: They did. He looks the exact same as the day he got married.

Mary: He's like a Confirmation boy, God bless him. A bit red around the nose though. That'll be the drink. As you said Sheila, he was fond of his drink.

Sheila: He was, bless him. I'd be on me way to the bingo there of a Friday night and I'd see him coming out of Hoggy's.

Mary: That's right. Thursdays too, I'd go down for me bag of chips and he'd be falling out of the place paralytic drunk.

Sheila: Fierce grá altogether for the drink.

Mary: Mad for it Sheila. Morning, noon and night he was in that bar.

Sheila: I hear he put yer man Hoggy's kids through college.

Mary: I'd believe it. A fierce tongue on him too.

Sheila: Swore like a trooper so he did.

Mary: Lovely man though.

Sheila: An angel. And a fine hard-working husband he was too to Una.

Mary: He was indeed. Got laid off in '81. Never worked a day again. A tragedy.

Sheila: That's right. Lived in the pub since May '81. A gas character.

Mary: I'd say he gave yer one Una an awful life though.

Sheila: I dunno how she put up with it. Drinking all the hours God sent him.

Mary: Lovely man though. He liked to put the odd ol' bet on the horses too. A bit of craic I suppose.

Sheila: Ah that's right. He'd be down Paddy Powers on a Saturday morning putting his couple of euro on the horses.

Mary: A fiver each-way.

Sheila: That's right, bless him. And weekdays too. Queueing up outside the betting shop. Jesus mary and joseph he was mad for the horses.

Mary: He was indeed Sheila, he was indeed. I hear he put Paddy Power's kids through college too. Remember back in '92 he won 100 pound in the Grand National?

Sheila: Sure how could I forget? He was drunk for two weeks. Poor Una nearly burned the house down with all the night lights, praying for him to come home.

Mary: That's right. The guards found him eventually down the side alley of Hoggy's, comatose, after soiling himself.

Sheila: Lovely man though. Oh the Rosary's starting Mary. Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?

Mary: Course I am girl. Course I am. Sure wasn't he a saint?

Sheila: An angel he was. Pure goodness to the core. Hail Mary full of Grace.........

Aldi chronicles part 1 of 730

So I just did the Aldi run and I think I'm suffering from PTSD. Seriously.

It was okay until I got to the checkout. You know the drill. There are 6 people in front of you, the conveyer belt has approximately 730 grocery items on it belonging to those 6 so it'll be a fair while yet before it's your turn but no, this magic belt moves at about 145 miles per hour so before you can say "jesus I paid 4 euro for this last week in Tesco" you're actually to place your groceries on. Neatly and in sensible order of course. Hmmm, how shall I do this? Put frozen together, veg together, cereals in with breads, coffee with juice? Or is it big items together and small items together? Or maybe glass jars together. I obviously don't want anything getting squished or dented, that goes without saying. Perhaps if I stick to frozen together and chilled stuff together then.... oh, hang on, jesus, it's moving fast. She's asking the one second in front of me "cash or card?". Don't panic. You can do this. Put your groceries on the thing. Relax. Deep breath. Surely there's time.

Okay, frozen first. Uh, jesus christ, it's actually nearly my turn. Ha, how did that happen?! The one in front is getting her purse out. Already? Don't worry. Just maybe don't be too picky. It's not the end of the world if the frozen get mixed in with the jars and sweets... ah fuck, I'm next. She's got her arms folded waiting for me to finish putting the stuff on. Ah fuck fuck fuck, it doesn't matter what the order is, just don't squish the bread and rolls. Put it all up there. Oh jesus, it's done. It's there. I'm at the top. Oh hang on. I have to swing the trolley around so the front is facing the side of the checkout or is it the back facing the side? Which is it? Fucking fuck fuck, I can't remember. How come everyone else knows how to align it? Is this on the school curriculum now? Okay, very low sigh (but definitely audible) from checkout girl. She aligns it for me. I blush and say sorry. Ha ha. Mutter mutter. Panic over.

Now open out your 4 bags (brought from home cause I'm thrifty and environmentally conscious). Open them out inside the trolley so all items can go IN bags and not loose in the troll... oh fuck fuck fuck, they're all backed up on the till. There's no more room. She had to pause her scanning. Grab them. Just fuck them in the trolley. Anywhere. Any-fucking-where. Just fuck them in. Oh jesus they're coming hard and fast now. How the fuck does this skinny young girl move her hands so fast. Ah fuck, they're falling 'n everything. The bread's in bits. It doesn't matter. Just fuck them in. Fuck them anywhere. On the ground. In my handbag. In my shoes. In the 3.99 2,000 screw set the guy behind me has. Just hurry the fuck up. The pressure. I want to cry. The others in the queue hate me. I don't want to be hated. I want to be loved. I wish I had a husband. God I'm so alone here. Those smarmy smug bastaring fucking grocery experts. I hate them.

Oh jesus the milk's on the floor. Leave it. LEAVE it, it doesn't matter. FUCK them all in. The pesto has opened and the washing up liquid is leaking onto the bread. It doesn't matter. There's no going back. You can't go home again. It's collatoral damage time. Just fuck the whole fucking lot in to the fucking trolley with one big swipe of your arm. There! They're all in anyway and I'll just fuck them in the bin when I get outside. I don't care anymore. There's some cornflakes at home and I'm sure there's some social welfare rice my Mam got from her friend's Dad's bingo buddy. That'll do. I didn't want pasta, pesto, milk, wine, eggs anyway. Jesus I'm sweating. Is this the menopause? Why are all the other women not sweating. God her lipstick is lovel.... what? Cash or card? What? I don't know. I don't know. Oh here, card. Just take it. Please. I just want to die. "That's a library card." Oh shit. Ha ha. "That's funn.... oh it's not? Sorry" Here. Here's some cash. Take it all.  Sorry for existing and for not knowing the secret Aldi system. I hate my life and I want to die.

But in fairness, the rice and stale cornflakes weren't half bad.

First Date. The Day After...

THE GIRLS:

Sharon: Well? I've been dying to know how you got on girl.

Mags: Oh Sharon I swear to god it was unreal. Just amazing.

S: Go on outta that. Really?

M: Really.

S: What did he look like? Was he the same as his profile pic?

M: Even nicer girl. He had clothes on obviously like 'cause you know in his profile pic he’s just wearing shorts 'cause he’s working out like.

S: Oh I know yeah. So you’d a great night?

M: Best night ever. I never felt anything like it. 

S: Oh my god hun. Tell me everything. 

M: It was like magic Shaz. Pure magic.

S: Go way outta that? Really? 

M: Really. At one stage Shaz we just stared into each other’s eyes. It was like the whole world stopped girl. The whole feckin world. Just him and me looking into each others...... souls (voice cracks).

S: Oh Mags I'm gonna cry hun. That's beautiful. (Reaches out to take Mags hand).

M: I know (eyes fill up). It was like a dream Shaz. It's all sorta blurry like a beautiful dream.

S: You were probably pissed though.

M: Ah yeah I was like a bit but...... look I know it sounds dumb Shaz but.... well.... I think I love him.

(Sharon jumps up, throws her arms around Mags. They both scream in delight)

S: So you’re gonna see him again?

M: Course I am girl.

S: But what about that thing he said when you were texting? That he’s only looking for a bit of fun?

M: Ah I know yeah but that was before he met me. I could tell he was weak for me like.

S: And you’re not worried anymore about his username on the dating site?

M: No girl. That was just his sense of humour. He’s a scream girl. I'd say he was horny alright though, hahahaha. But Horny&Looking4BigGirls was just a joke. He’s a real romantic underneath it all. 

S: So have ye been texting all the time?

M: Yeah. Well I have anyway. Haha. Look. (Shows Sharon her phone). I texted him when I got home at 3am just to say I'd had an amazing night and can't wait to see him again. I'll read it out. “Hi baby. I had the best night ever. You’re amazing. I can’t wait to see you again and hold you and kiss you. Maybe you could come here to my house next time and meet my family? I'm so excited. Can’t wait to see you. I'm dying to tell all my friends about you. You’re fantastic. A man in a million. Night night my love. Sweet dreams. xxxxxxxxx”

S: Aw that's so romantic Mags. Did he text back?

M: He did eventually yeah.

S: What did he say?

M: He said “tnx yeah”. I texted him then again at 6, 6.15, 6.25, 7 and 7.10 and about 20 times since.

S: Did ya? And did he reply to all of them?

M: No luv but he’s very busy. Today’s his signing day in the dole. But the thing is Shaz, I love him. I know I said this too about the last three fellas but.....

S: Don't mind them hun. Fuckin pigs the lot of them. You're too good for them losers. I bet Horny….. eh, I mean Brian..... is the one.

M: Really Shaz?

S: Really Mags, I feel it in me bones.  Show me the selfie he sent ya again earlier doll.

M: Here ‘tis. He's gorgeous isn't he Shaz?

S: He's like an adonis Mags.

M: He is and look.... I know now that it sounds stupid but look at his smile Shaz?

S: He's not smiling at all though luv.

M: That's what I'm saying though. It's like..... I dunno...... He's intense you know? Cause he's thinking about me....... about our love you know?

S: Jesus I know what you mean doll. Show it to me again. (Looks at selfie). Oh fuck Mags you're right. That man right there? (Taps phone)..... That's a man in love doll. Right there.

M: Oh my god...... aaaaaaaahhhhh Shaz. (Squeals in delight)

S: Aaaaaaaahhhhh (catches Mags hands and they squeal and dance in circles).

THE BOYS

Jim: So how d’ya get on with that one off Plenty of Minge?

Brian: Haha. Plenty of Fish? Yeah. Grand.

Jim: She hot?

Brian: Yeah. I'd give her an 8.

J: Go way?

B: Yeah. Nice tits. A bit weird though.

J: Her tits were weird? Lobsided?

B: No no, they were grand. She was a bit of a spacer though.

J: Yeah?

B: Yeah. I dunno. She just stared at me for ages at one stage. It was weird. I think she might be epileptic or something. 

J:  Maybe she’s on drugs.

B: Yeah, I'd say she is. She’s a right looker though. I took her home.

J: Ya lucky bastard. (Looks at Brian’s phone). What's that pic Brian?  D'ya take a selfie? Ya big shit.

B: Yeah yer wan from last night wanted a new pic of me.

J: You look a right fuckin eejit in it. Why ya so serious in it?

B: Fuck off boy will ya. I was running late to sign on. Was brickin’ it in case I got docked me dole.

J: Ah fuck that man.

B: I know.

J: So ya gonna see yer wan Mags again?

B: Who?

J: Yer wan off Plenty of Minge?

B: Nah boy. She’s texting me all the time. Pain in the hole.

J: Fuck that man.

B: Yeah, fuck that. Nice tits though.