Dating sites - when worlds collide...

"Hello. May we chat? My name is Brad and I live in Idaho."

"Hi Brad. You messaged me by mistake. I'm actually in Ireland."

"My Irish princess! Thank you for replying. My heart skipped a beat when I saw your message. Yes my darling, I know you're in the Emerald Isle - the land of myths and enchantment from whence my ancestors came.

Oh princess, my Celtic princess, as I read your profile each word made my head light with excitement and my heart soar with joy and hope until I found myself asking "Could she be THE ONE? Have I finally found my destiny?"

You are enchanting. Already - and we have yet to speak or hold hands - but already I am drawn to you. This is surely meant to be. What is distance my love but a simple wordly barrier that the heart can easily overcome. I believe in the immeasurable power of love. True love will endure any distance, traverse any desert, scale any mountain. 

I await your reply with longing in my heart."

"In the name of Jesus would ya feck off outta that and don't be annoying me with your feckin myths and your destiny.

I'm in another continent ya bloody eejit. Sure I can't afford the bus into town for the a pint, never mind taking meself off to Idaho or feckin Los Angeles or wherever you're from. 

Go on away outta that boy and get your head checked out. That lightheadedness doesn't sound good at all, not to mention the heart swelling or soaring or whatever shyte you said.

Irish princess me hole."

Sew scared

I don't understand how people are ok about using sewing machines??? How is that possible? I just pressed the foot pedal on a mini sewing machine and I honestly thought I was gonna die.

They're terrifying. And I don't get how a lot of older people use them. The same older people who are scared of things like mobile phones, microwaves, video games, automatic doors, foreigners, cars travelling over 20 mph and feckin' remote controls for christ sake.

Yet they're happy to operate this monstrous life-threatening thing screaming like a kango hammer at 50 million decibels? A needle moving up and down at a rate of knots, threatening to repeatedly impale your fingers? I seriously thought I was gonna lose all the fingers on my left hand.

I'm not well after that. I'm really not :(

Darren the Aldi Trolley

My name is Darren and I'm an Aldi trolley.
My father was a lawnmower,
My Mum, she was a brolly.

I work so feckin’ hard all day,
I never get a rest,
They fling their crap inside me,
There's no order, it's a mess.

I sit outside the entrance,
In rain and snow and thunder.
They put two euro in my slot
And expect me to work wonders.

"Get over here", "go over there"
"Hurry up and do your job".
Theres TVs, skis and cordless drills,
Another Thursday mob.

Some day I hope to be promoted
To M&S in town,
Where the food is posh
The chocolate's lush,
And you never get put down.

The christmas rush is coming.
They'll push and rush and grab.
I wish I'd gone to college,
I might've been a Saab.

Ode to a Boiled Egg

It's a little meal
A gooey mess
A place to dip your toast.

A yellow yolk
Encased in white
Two inches wide at most.

You crack the shell
Impale the yolk
Drench that little soldier. 

White toast, brown toast,
Bread stick, roll,
A cracker, if you're bolder.

I thank the hen
Who laid this egg
She's from the inner city.

Thank you for the protein
And the fuel to write this ditty.

The Lady in the App

I downloaded a fatty app
From Google, it was free.
The lady inside the app
Seemed nice and welcomed me.

She asked about my height and weight,
At first she seemed real caring.
But the more I clicked the pound plus sign ,
The more I felt her glaring.

She says I need to exercise
And tells me what to eat.
She says I can't have chocolate or cakes or an'thin sweet.

Sometimes I am scared of her
I yearn for her approval,
So I sorta make things up,
And I exaggerate my movements.

Today I logged a 5 mile run
'Well done!' app lady said.
In actual fact I lied to her,
Cause I am still in bed.

I logged a can of soy beans,
Said "I'd salad as a snack".
I 'forgot' to log the easter egg
I ate behind her back.

I think she is a bully,
She won't let me eat my fudge.
But I'm no longer scared of her
Who is she to judge?

She lives inside an android app
And thinks she knows it all,
I don't want her anymore,
So I've clicked uninstall!

Mindfulness

Mindfulness - the act of focussing only on the present moment. It's good. It works. But not always. I can't hack it at all if I'm honest!

This is me and mindfulness.....

Okay, breathe in, empty brain of all thoughts. Thoughts, that's a funny word. Actually brain is a funny word too. I like words. What other words are good..... hang on, focus, breathe, empty mind. Right. Must not think about problems and stress. Nothing to be stressed about. Stress is for suckers.... oh jesus, that's the postman, more bills. Bill. That's a funny word. It's also a man's name. Funny. Hang on. Focus. Breathe. Forget the bills. I must pay that other bill too though. Must give the school a ring too. Ring, funny. The ring of fire... the ring of fire... dum de dum de dum dum de dum. Was that Johnny Cash? Course it was. And that other one. Beyonce. I wonder if she does mindfulness. If you like it then you should've put a ring on it. If you like it.... Hang on, focus. No singing. How many breaths is that? Should I be counting them? Fuck. I'll start again. Am I to breathe in and clear my head or breathe out and blow stuff away from my head? Or is it just focus on the breathing? That's it. No, that's not it. It's don't focus on breathing at all. Is that it? Which is it? I need a book on it. Or maybe a course. I can't do a course. Too much going on. How can I fit in a course when I'm trying to drive everyone everywhere and work and clean up. Jesus the house is in shit again. I must clean it up after I do this mindfulness. Breathe. Focus. Or don't focus. Whatever the fuck it is. Think of a blue sky. Oh that's nice. God there's a plane. I wonder where they're off to. Jammy bastards. I am not stressed. I am relaxed. I am focussing only on the present moment. I'll just grab a biscuit as I focus only on the present moment. Jesus, that's a nice biscuit. Focus. Biscuits. Water. Focus on the sea. Oh that's nice. Calm waves. All is right with the world. I can hear the gentle waves calming me. Must not think of anything else except the sea. Clear head. Breathe. Beautiful water - eeeew remember that time I saw all those bandages and condoms in the water. Eeew. Pollution. DIrty bastards. And beer bottle on the sand. Jesus people are dirty assholes. Breathe.

Travel Mug

Fare thee well old travel mug,
You've been a loyal friend.
I'm sorry that you met
With such a nasty horrid end.

I placed you gently on the roof,
Before I drove away.
Delighted to have Kenyan roast
To start another day.

I wondered where you'd got to
As I leaned down to take a sup.
Imagine my surprise to see
The liquid, then the cup.
Pouring down the windscreen,
A deluge of brown gunk.
You crashed onto the fast lane,
Then underneath a truck.

I wish I had you back,
My faithful coffee holder.
I hope you make some friends
In your new home
On the hard shoulder.

Aldi Adventure no. 57

Swear to god, you cannot beat Cork northside humour.

Woman in front of me at till. Respectable looking. Lovely hair and clothes. Mid 60s. Sweet. Let's call her Agnes.

A: "Awful weather"

Me: "I know. It's rubbish."

(Meanwhile retail assistant places a closed sign at end of conveyer belt)

A: "She's closing the till. They work very hard here."

"They really do. Nice staff."

A: "Lovely."

(Woman approaches queue. Waits. Staff member says "sorry this till is closing")

A: "Jesus yer wan didn't even notice the closed sign. Some people! "

"Hahaha. I know"

(Staff member smiles, grateful for the comraderie)

(Second person approaches our queue not noticing closed sign)

(Agnes is looking cross. Stares at shopper)

Staff member: Sorry madam. This till is closed." (She now puts chain across to block access and readjusts closed sign)

A: "Ah jesus christ like, are people stupid or what? Can't they feckin read?"

Me: (In hysterics) "hahaha, they're all out there aren't they?"

A: -They are. Takes all sorts love. Haha. I shouldn't judge. But you know......
Haha."

(Third person approaches queue. Ignores closed sign and walks straight into chain blocking her access. I fear Agnes will spontaneously combust with apoplectic rage)

A: (Notices new 'intruder'). "Ah for fuck sake. D'ya ever see the likes of it? Huh? People are idiots. Absolute dopes. Poor girl trying to do her job. (Staff member trying to contain laughter now). Seriously who lets them out on their own? Fuckin eejits. See ya love. Nice chatting."

Me: (laughing hysterically). "See ya."

Timehop

Timehop - the app that lets you know in no uncertain terms that you have absolutely no feckin life.

On this day last year:
Nothing of significance. Don't worry. I'm sure you did lots of fun stuff other years :-)

On this day in 2013:
No, nothing to report.

On this day in 2012:
Um, no sorry nothing. **Nervous laugh**

On this day in 2011:
Haha, lordy, this is awkward but um no, nothing doing here either. Maybe if you join a club?

On this day in 2010:
Oh good god this is getting embarrassing. Sorry, nothing to report here either. Maybe leave the house once in a while Deb?

On this day in 2009:
Jesus I wasn't developed for this shit. They should only let people with actual lives download me.

On this day in 2008:
Could you please uninstall me Deb? And then leave your basement and interact with actual humans?

On this day in 2007:
**tumbleweed**

On this day in 2006:
Deb? You're a fuckin loser. I'm uninstalling YOU!

But I don't wanna be a grown up :(

Me: Hey Aisling I'm bored. I'll treat you to the cinema.

A: Cool. I'll check what's in.

Me: Minions. Enough said.

A: Nah. Something else.

Me: Aw why?

A: I'm 11 and a half now Mam. I'm not into kids movies much.

Me: But it's Minions. You know I like that stuff.

A: How about something that's not for kids, seeing as you're 46.

Me: Meanie.

A: Will I check and see if there's one of them romantic comedies in? You know the ones other women like? Normal women?

Me: No (on verge of sulk). I want The Minions.

A: *sigh* Okay. How about you buy me a milkshake in Eddie Rockets and I'll go to The Minions with you.

Me: Cool. Ask the waitress for crayons. I like colouring.

A: Oh God.

Soppy eejits...

See this is a good example of the assholery that exists amongst people.

You're having one of those 'just for fun' chats about '3 things you'd bring to a desert island' so I say 'a book, a warm blanket and a 64 pack of Mars Bars'. Good yeah?

Eh no cause the one who answered next said "my two kids and my Mum". Ah fuck off. Fuck right off. 3 THINGS it said.

The following comments then were "that's so sweet" and "aw hun xxx" and there's me putting Mars Bars before my own kids and mother. Which, honestly I **hardly** ever do in reality.

I blame reality TV shows. People are stupidly soppy now. They see the eejits on X Factor crying cause their 2 week old baby has a dream that their Mum wins X Factor and their great grandfather passed away at the tender age of 97.

Toughen up people. Or I won't share my Mars Bars.

He wouldn't want you to be sad... my arse!

I've seen/heard this particular comment often. It's a classic. It's regularly said to people who are sad and grieving... "He/she wouldn't want you to be sad".

How do you know?

It's so annoying. I want it known right now upfront that when I die I ABSOLUTELY INSIST that everyone is sad. In fact no, not sad, hysterical... actually totally immobilised by grief.

I want wailing, screaming, whimpering, howling and paralyzing despair.

I want my family and friends to double over with the actual physical heartache and when asked what's wrong they simply cannot answer as they have been rendered mute from the trauma of my demise.

Social media will come to a standstill as typing becomes impossible due to blurred vision from months (years actually) of continuous sobbing.

Right. Print this out and don't forget it.

As you were.

The cwosson

At till in front of me in Lidl. Woman and toddler. Empty bakery wrapper on scanner.

Lidl guy looks puzzled.

Woman: "There was a croissant (pronounced cwosson) in that. My daughter was very very peckish. She ate the cwosson.

Lidl guy: Grand. Sound job.

Child: But mummy it's empty. The croissant is gone mummy.

Woman: But you DID have a cwosson darling and we must pay for the delicious cwosson. Say thanks to the nice man for the delicious cwosson darling.

Child: Thanks Mister.

Lidl guy: You're grand. Sound.
(Translation: Tell your mother get over herself and move along. There are other people waiting.

Woman: Say goodbye to the nice man darling.

Child: No.

Woman: Say goodbye darling.

Child: Goodbye darling.

Guy: Sound. You're grand.

Woman: Hurry now darling. Mummy must get on.

Random chat in bus station...

In bus station waiting in ticket office...

Random woman: I know your face love.
Me: Oh right.
RW: You're Deirdre.
Me: Deborah.
RW: I knew it was you Deirdre. I'm Una. I went to school with your mother's friend. Are you the girl whose husband died?
Me: (WTF?) Eh, yeah
RW: What he die of?
Me: Sorry I have to send this text. Nice meeting yo...
RW: What your fella die of?
Me: Um, cancer. Bad weather isn't it?
RW: Yeah yeah. What he die of?
Me: Cancer.
RW: What?
Me: (FUCKING cancer). CANCER.
RW: What age was he?
Me: 47
RW: Not too bad. My friend's niece lost her husband at 35.
Me: Uh okay.
RW: They had twins.
Me: Hmmm. Okay. I better carry on anyway. Just texting someon.....
RW: How are the kids?
Me: Grand. Everything's grand. We're all grand. Never better. See you arou.....
RW: Could be worse. My daughter's fella left her. At least your fella didn't lea....
Me: (Predicting the rest of the conversation). I better get back to this. Nice chatting to ya (ya fucking braindead twat)
RW: Yeah, left her with 3 kids. Awful. How long were you married?
Me: A good few years. I must get on with this stuf....
RW: How long?
Me: 18 years.
RW: Ah sure that's grand so. My friend's son was only married 3 years when his wife died. Or she left. I can't remember. But you got 18 years.
Me: (Shifting uncomfortably)
RW: The girl I was telling you about whose husband died at 35?
Me: Oh yeah the one with the 24 kids? Ha ha
RW: No, a set of twins they had I told you.
Me: Right right.
RW: She got married again.
Me: Lovely.
RW: Ah I dunno. Sure the kids dunno if they're coming or going. One minute at the husband's funeral, next minute their Mam is up and down with a new fella.
Me: It's nice she found someone. How long had she been widowed?
RW: 9 years love.
Me: (Speechless)
RW: Pffffft. Right. Ah sure, I suppose it's handy to have someone to go to the pictures with and that.
Me: The pictures?
RW: Yeah
Me: Jeez it must be one fantastic film if she married him to go to see it with him. Hahahaha. (23 minutes of awkward silence - maybe slightly less)
RW: She goes to the bingo too with him. He has a good job.
Me: The cinema AND bingo. Wow. It's like Romeo and Juliet.
RW: What?
Me: Nothing.
RW: He's a companion I suppose you'd say. No hanky panky though. I wouldn't think so anyway. Sure you'd have no need for that once you have your kids sure you wouldn't?
Me: (Silence)
RW: Do you know what I mean?
Me: (Grabs Cork to Waterford bus timetable off shelf and reads as if life depends on it)
RW: Anyway as I say, you had 18 years and you have your kids. Don't be complaining.
Me: Eh I wasn't. I only came in for a bus pass for my son.
RW: I know but lots have it worse.
Me: Right. It's my turn thank christ. See ya. (Hope you get run over by a bus on your way home).

Cultural difference between Cork and non-Cork parents......

Non-Cork parents/child: 

Child: Mom, Dad, can I get an iPad? All the other kids have them.

Mom/Dad: Sit down here sweetheart. See Mommy and Daddy love you very very much. You're super. Yes, you're our super awesome little champ. But right now sweetheart we're...... well we're financially challenged. (Chokes up). Since the global downturn Daddy's not getting the same salary we once enjoyed. It's not that you don't deserve it sweetie pie. We love you sooooo much. And I'm sorry if we're failing to live up to your parenting ideal. Perhaps if we invest our money wisely we can become better parents and buy an iPad for our special little champ soon. Is that okay buddy? Do you still love us? Is your self esteem adversely affected?

Cork parents/child: Child: 
Child: Mom, Dad, can I get an iPad? All the other kids have them.
Mam/Dad: Jesus Mary and Joseph is it off your fucking head you are? A feckin iPad! D'ya hear HIM?!!! An iPad! And we can't afford feckin bog roll. Get up them feckin stairs before I bate the hole off ya.

Wanted: part-time husband

Wanted: part-time husband to bring me scrambled eggs and toast in bed. Obviously a Kit Kat too. Must say these words "you rest now Deb and enjoy your breakfast for you are a mighty woman and deserve all of life's most wondrous offerings such as Kit Kats. And may I add, even with a hangover and last night's mascara on, your beauty is a feast for my eyes".

That's all. Don't be annoying me with small talk. Then he'll do 10 odd jobs around the house, pass me a second Kit Kat cause he instinctively knows 4 fingers is never enough, check the oil and water in the car, set the Great British Bake Off to record, top up my coffee and fuck off.

Could be the plot of a Mills & Boon novel. Or is it too much? Too romantic?

Meals on Wheels

Oh jesus. That horrible moment when your 91 year old neighbour asks you to ring Meals on Wheels and complain that his dinner is 10 minutes late. :D TEN minutes! I tried telling him to wait a little while, traffic is heavy etc but no, he pleaded with me to ring them and complain. Oh god I'm so embarrassed. The nun who runs it is about 80 and the volunteers do great work and there I am ringing and complaining. Aaaargh. I thought of pretending to ring them but then he might take the phone off me while I'm pretend talking :D. So I rang and had two conversations, one loud (my neighbour is very deaf) and one hushed. It went something like this:

Meals on Wheels Man: Hello?

Me: Hi. I'm ringing for my neighbour, T__, he lives at______. He was wondering if his meals on wheels dinner will be here soon (hushed tone: sorry sorry, don't worry about it at all, I had to ring)

Meals on Wheels Man: I think the nun is running a bit behind, sorry.

Me: Okay so. (hushed tone: Oh god, it's okay, I'm so sorry for even ringing, you do great work.....)

T: What's he saying? What are you saying?

Me: I'm just checking for you now T.

Meals on Wheels Man: What?

Me: Sorry, talking to my neighbour.

Meals on Wheels Man: We're delayed. We'll get the meal out asap.

Me: Well okay so I suppose (hushed tone: that's absolutely no problem whatsoever. I'm sorry. My neighbour made me ring. He made me do it.)

Meals on Wheels Man: That's okay.

T: Well, where's my dinner?

Me: It's coming, it's coming.

T: What did you say to them? Did you complain?

Me: I did. I said it's unacceptable.

Meals on Wheels Man: Excuse me?

Me: Not you. Not YOU. I'm sorry.

T: Why are YOU saying sorry?

Me: Cause my phone reception is bad.

T: Did you tell them it's just not on, it's been 15 minutes now.

Me: I did. I made it very clear that it's unacceptable.

Me: (Covers phone with both hands) This is unacceptable?

Meals on Wheels Man: Are you still there?

Me: (Hushed tones: Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for everything you do). (I end the call). Don't be much longer now.

Christmas every day? I don't think so

I heard Wizzard's classic Christmas song on the radio earlier, 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'. I think that's a crazy idea and frankly I feel it's utterly irresponsible to promote such a thing. I'm starting to wonder if they've even thought this through? The logistics would be a friggin nightmare.

Turkey, ham, roast potatoes, gravy, trifle, selection boxes every day of the freakin' year? We'd all be dead in a month.

"You never came to see me Christmas Day Deb". "No I didn't Mam cause I was shopping for Christmas Day." "But today is Christmas Day". "And so is tomorrow Mam."

And who's gonna fund this 365 day tinsel, Brussels sprouts and mince pie marathon eh? Have you thought about that Wizzard, have you? It's all very well for you with your fat bag of music royalties but some of us have mortgages 😠.

And when exactly are people supposed to work?

And is he proposing a virgin birth every day of the year? Exactly how would our medical personnel cope with that? He seems blissfully unaware of the state of our already overstretched maternity services. And would all 365 children have the same 'Dad'? He's been a busy boy, the dirty bugger.

And do we wear Santa hats every day? Even in 25 degree July heat? Lice epidemic here we come 😡

Now Wizzard, come back to planet Earth and stop your nonsense.

Working from home: dream versus reality

Working from home.....

The dream: Tapping happily on my keyboard in my luxurious feng shui design office, sun shining through the window, the sounds of children's laughter and birds chirping outside, the deep satisfaction of a job well done warming my soul. Life is beautiful.

The reality: Jesus Christ it's 10pm and I still haven't even started this piece of crap work. Oh god oh god oh god. I hate my fucking life. Panic panic panic. Right, settle down now, focus. Move the dirty plates, mugs, school bag, books, eye liner, dog lead out of the way. Clean up the split gravy. Make a 2 foot space for the laptop. Plug it in. Okay, just check Facebook once. Right, ok, settle down, work. Hmmm, just one coffee and then knuckle down. Okay okay. It's now 11pm. I'm officially having a nervous breakdown. Why in the name of christ don't I have a normal job? I'll never get this done. I'll be up all night. Oh god help. Could I pretend I was knocked down? Maybe I'll say my computer exploded? No no. Can't. I used those excuses before. Okay, work, focus. Hang on, haven't checked Facebook in 2 minutes. Right, grand. No more Facebook. Oh jesus. It's 11.15. Help. My life is over..........

12:31am. All done. Yay. Another successful freelancing project. Not a bother on me.

Chartering the rocky Bus Eireann waters

If anyone needs advice or assistance with any difficult bureaucratic and IT challenges like hmmmm... I dunno, maybe breaking in to the Pentagon website? Analysing the GDP of all western countries? Navigating and restructuring the U.N. charter? Attempting to bring about harmony and peace in the Middle East? Fear not my friends! For I have spent 1.5 hours this morning online, on an app and on the phone attempting to top up Daniel's monthly bus bass and survived to tell the tale.

I have chartered the rocky sanity-threatening waters of the Bus Eireann Leap Card website. I have read and re-read. I have filled in forms. I have explained, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried.....

"yes I've topped up his card online and paid my money but it says his pass is expired"
"no I do not want to top up by 85 euro cash and have the driver deduct 8 for every bus trip thank you. That would give him 10 bus trips. What he needs is the 85 monthly pass where he can come and go as he pleases"
"yes, my payment has been accepted but his pass is still expired"
"nope I don't want a new card, just a new monthly pass on THIS card"

and then finally realisation dawns...... cue Chariots of Fire music...... we're on the home stretch folks.....
"ah, I see, so you can top up online, you can indeed choose monthly all-in bus pass, you can avail of your quick and easy online method BUT he still needs to go to the bus station, show his receipt and have his card activated there. My bad."

But comrades, fear not because despite this ordeal, this disgusting Bus Eireann assault upon my mind and upon my already fragile heart, I, Deb Murphy, have survived. Not unscathed. Not the same Deb Murphy you knew before 9.30 this morning. But still, I'm breathing and I live to see another day, to dream another dream.

So bring it on world. Because anyone who can deal with Bus Eireann staff can surely tackle even the most terrifying complex issues of modern times.