Swear to god, you cannot beat Cork northside humour.
Woman in front of me at till. Respectable looking. Lovely hair and clothes. Mid 60s. Sweet. Let's call her Agnes.
A: "Awful weather"
Me: "I know. It's rubbish."
(Meanwhile retail assistant places a closed sign at end of conveyer belt)
A: "She's closing the till. They work very hard here."
"They really do. Nice staff."
A: "Lovely."
(Woman approaches queue. Waits. Staff member says "sorry this till is closing")
A: "Jesus yer wan didn't even notice the closed sign. Some people! "
"Hahaha. I know"
(Staff member smiles, grateful for the comraderie)
(Second person approaches our queue not noticing closed sign)
(Agnes is looking cross. Stares at shopper)
Staff member: Sorry madam. This till is closed." (She now puts chain across to block access and readjusts closed sign)
A: "Ah jesus christ like, are people stupid or what? Can't they feckin read?"
Me: (In hysterics) "hahaha, they're all out there aren't they?"
A: -They are. Takes all sorts love. Haha. I shouldn't judge. But you know......
Haha."
(Third person approaches queue. Ignores closed sign and walks straight into chain blocking her access. I fear Agnes will spontaneously combust with apoplectic rage)
A: (Notices new 'intruder'). "Ah for fuck sake. D'ya ever see the likes of it? Huh? People are idiots. Absolute dopes. Poor girl trying to do her job. (Staff member trying to contain laughter now). Seriously who lets them out on their own? Fuckin eejits. See ya love. Nice chatting."
Me: (laughing hysterically). "See ya."
Statcounter
Friday, 19 August 2016
Timehop
Timehop - the app that lets you know in no uncertain terms that you have absolutely no feckin life.
On this day last year:
Nothing of significance. Don't worry. I'm sure you did lots of fun stuff other years :-)
On this day in 2013:
No, nothing to report.
On this day in 2012:
Um, no sorry nothing. **Nervous laugh**
On this day in 2011:
Haha, lordy, this is awkward but um no, nothing doing here either. Maybe if you join a club?
On this day in 2010:
Oh good god this is getting embarrassing. Sorry, nothing to report here either. Maybe leave the house once in a while Deb?
On this day in 2009:
Jesus I wasn't developed for this shit. They should only let people with actual lives download me.
On this day in 2008:
Could you please uninstall me Deb? And then leave your basement and interact with actual humans?
On this day in 2007:
**tumbleweed**
On this day in 2006:
Deb? You're a fuckin loser. I'm uninstalling YOU!
On this day last year:
Nothing of significance. Don't worry. I'm sure you did lots of fun stuff other years :-)
On this day in 2013:
No, nothing to report.
On this day in 2012:
Um, no sorry nothing. **Nervous laugh**
On this day in 2011:
Haha, lordy, this is awkward but um no, nothing doing here either. Maybe if you join a club?
On this day in 2010:
Oh good god this is getting embarrassing. Sorry, nothing to report here either. Maybe leave the house once in a while Deb?
On this day in 2009:
Jesus I wasn't developed for this shit. They should only let people with actual lives download me.
On this day in 2008:
Could you please uninstall me Deb? And then leave your basement and interact with actual humans?
On this day in 2007:
**tumbleweed**
On this day in 2006:
Deb? You're a fuckin loser. I'm uninstalling YOU!
But I don't wanna be a grown up :(
Me: Hey Aisling I'm bored. I'll treat you to the cinema.
A: Cool. I'll check what's in.
Me: Minions. Enough said.
A: Nah. Something else.
Me: Aw why?
A: I'm 11 and a half now Mam. I'm not into kids movies much.
Me: But it's Minions. You know I like that stuff.
A: How about something that's not for kids, seeing as you're 46.
Me: Meanie.
A: Will I check and see if there's one of them romantic comedies in? You know the ones other women like? Normal women?
Me: No (on verge of sulk). I want The Minions.
A: *sigh* Okay. How about you buy me a milkshake in Eddie Rockets and I'll go to The Minions with you.
Me: Cool. Ask the waitress for crayons. I like colouring.
A: Oh God.
A: Cool. I'll check what's in.
Me: Minions. Enough said.
A: Nah. Something else.
Me: Aw why?
A: I'm 11 and a half now Mam. I'm not into kids movies much.
Me: But it's Minions. You know I like that stuff.
A: How about something that's not for kids, seeing as you're 46.
Me: Meanie.
A: Will I check and see if there's one of them romantic comedies in? You know the ones other women like? Normal women?
Me: No (on verge of sulk). I want The Minions.
A: *sigh* Okay. How about you buy me a milkshake in Eddie Rockets and I'll go to The Minions with you.
Me: Cool. Ask the waitress for crayons. I like colouring.
A: Oh God.
Soppy eejits...
See this is a good example of the assholery that exists amongst people.
You're having one of those 'just for fun' chats about '3 things you'd bring to a desert island' so I say 'a book, a warm blanket and a 64 pack of Mars Bars'. Good yeah?
Eh no cause the one who answered next said "my two kids and my Mum". Ah fuck off. Fuck right off. 3 THINGS it said.
The following comments then were "that's so sweet" and "aw hun xxx" and there's me putting Mars Bars before my own kids and mother. Which, honestly I **hardly** ever do in reality.
I blame reality TV shows. People are stupidly soppy now. They see the eejits on X Factor crying cause their 2 week old baby has a dream that their Mum wins X Factor and their great grandfather passed away at the tender age of 97.
Toughen up people. Or I won't share my Mars Bars.
You're having one of those 'just for fun' chats about '3 things you'd bring to a desert island' so I say 'a book, a warm blanket and a 64 pack of Mars Bars'. Good yeah?
Eh no cause the one who answered next said "my two kids and my Mum". Ah fuck off. Fuck right off. 3 THINGS it said.
The following comments then were "that's so sweet" and "aw hun xxx" and there's me putting Mars Bars before my own kids and mother. Which, honestly I **hardly** ever do in reality.
I blame reality TV shows. People are stupidly soppy now. They see the eejits on X Factor crying cause their 2 week old baby has a dream that their Mum wins X Factor and their great grandfather passed away at the tender age of 97.
Toughen up people. Or I won't share my Mars Bars.
He wouldn't want you to be sad... my arse!
I've seen/heard this particular comment often. It's a classic. It's regularly said to people who are sad and grieving... "He/she wouldn't want you to be sad".
How do you know?
It's so annoying. I want it known right now upfront that when I die I ABSOLUTELY INSIST that everyone is sad. In fact no, not sad, hysterical... actually totally immobilised by grief.
I want wailing, screaming, whimpering, howling and paralyzing despair.
I want my family and friends to double over with the actual physical heartache and when asked what's wrong they simply cannot answer as they have been rendered mute from the trauma of my demise.
Social media will come to a standstill as typing becomes impossible due to blurred vision from months (years actually) of continuous sobbing.
Right. Print this out and don't forget it.
As you were.
How do you know?
It's so annoying. I want it known right now upfront that when I die I ABSOLUTELY INSIST that everyone is sad. In fact no, not sad, hysterical... actually totally immobilised by grief.
I want wailing, screaming, whimpering, howling and paralyzing despair.
I want my family and friends to double over with the actual physical heartache and when asked what's wrong they simply cannot answer as they have been rendered mute from the trauma of my demise.
Social media will come to a standstill as typing becomes impossible due to blurred vision from months (years actually) of continuous sobbing.
Right. Print this out and don't forget it.
As you were.
The cwosson
At till in front of me in Lidl. Woman and toddler. Empty bakery wrapper on scanner.
Lidl guy looks puzzled.
Woman: "There was a croissant (pronounced cwosson) in that. My daughter was very very peckish. She ate the cwosson.
Lidl guy: Grand. Sound job.
Child: But mummy it's empty. The croissant is gone mummy.
Woman: But you DID have a cwosson darling and we must pay for the delicious cwosson. Say thanks to the nice man for the delicious cwosson darling.
Child: Thanks Mister.
Lidl guy: You're grand. Sound.
(Translation: Tell your mother get over herself and move along. There are other people waiting.
Woman: Say goodbye to the nice man darling.
Child: No.
Woman: Say goodbye darling.
Child: Goodbye darling.
Guy: Sound. You're grand.
Woman: Hurry now darling. Mummy must get on.
Lidl guy looks puzzled.
Woman: "There was a croissant (pronounced cwosson) in that. My daughter was very very peckish. She ate the cwosson.
Lidl guy: Grand. Sound job.
Child: But mummy it's empty. The croissant is gone mummy.
Woman: But you DID have a cwosson darling and we must pay for the delicious cwosson. Say thanks to the nice man for the delicious cwosson darling.
Child: Thanks Mister.
Lidl guy: You're grand. Sound.
(Translation: Tell your mother get over herself and move along. There are other people waiting.
Woman: Say goodbye to the nice man darling.
Child: No.
Woman: Say goodbye darling.
Child: Goodbye darling.
Guy: Sound. You're grand.
Woman: Hurry now darling. Mummy must get on.
Random chat in bus station...
In bus station waiting in ticket office...
Random woman: I know your face love.
Me: Oh right.
RW: You're Deirdre.
Me: Deborah.
RW: I knew it was you Deirdre. I'm Una. I went to school with your mother's friend. Are you the girl whose husband died?
Me: (WTF?) Eh, yeah
RW: What he die of?
Me: Sorry I have to send this text. Nice meeting yo...
RW: What your fella die of?
Me: Um, cancer. Bad weather isn't it?
RW: Yeah yeah. What he die of?
Me: Cancer.
RW: What?
Me: (FUCKING cancer). CANCER.
RW: What age was he?
Me: 47
RW: Not too bad. My friend's niece lost her husband at 35.
Me: Uh okay.
RW: They had twins.
Me: Hmmm. Okay. I better carry on anyway. Just texting someon.....
RW: How are the kids?
Me: Grand. Everything's grand. We're all grand. Never better. See you arou.....
RW: Could be worse. My daughter's fella left her. At least your fella didn't lea....
Me: (Predicting the rest of the conversation). I better get back to this. Nice chatting to ya (ya fucking braindead twat)
RW: Yeah, left her with 3 kids. Awful. How long were you married?
Me: A good few years. I must get on with this stuf....
RW: How long?
Me: 18 years.
RW: Ah sure that's grand so. My friend's son was only married 3 years when his wife died. Or she left. I can't remember. But you got 18 years.
Me: (Shifting uncomfortably)
RW: The girl I was telling you about whose husband died at 35?
Me: Oh yeah the one with the 24 kids? Ha ha
RW: No, a set of twins they had I told you.
Me: Right right.
RW: She got married again.
Me: Lovely.
RW: Ah I dunno. Sure the kids dunno if they're coming or going. One minute at the husband's funeral, next minute their Mam is up and down with a new fella.
Me: It's nice she found someone. How long had she been widowed?
RW: 9 years love.
Me: (Speechless)
RW: Pffffft. Right. Ah sure, I suppose it's handy to have someone to go to the pictures with and that.
Me: The pictures?
RW: Yeah
Me: Jeez it must be one fantastic film if she married him to go to see it with him. Hahahaha. (23 minutes of awkward silence - maybe slightly less)
RW: She goes to the bingo too with him. He has a good job.
Me: The cinema AND bingo. Wow. It's like Romeo and Juliet.
RW: What?
Me: Nothing.
RW: He's a companion I suppose you'd say. No hanky panky though. I wouldn't think so anyway. Sure you'd have no need for that once you have your kids sure you wouldn't?
Me: (Silence)
RW: Do you know what I mean?
Me: (Grabs Cork to Waterford bus timetable off shelf and reads as if life depends on it)
RW: Anyway as I say, you had 18 years and you have your kids. Don't be complaining.
Me: Eh I wasn't. I only came in for a bus pass for my son.
RW: I know but lots have it worse.
Me: Right. It's my turn thank christ. See ya. (Hope you get run over by a bus on your way home).
Random woman: I know your face love.
Me: Oh right.
RW: You're Deirdre.
Me: Deborah.
RW: I knew it was you Deirdre. I'm Una. I went to school with your mother's friend. Are you the girl whose husband died?
Me: (WTF?) Eh, yeah
RW: What he die of?
Me: Sorry I have to send this text. Nice meeting yo...
RW: What your fella die of?
Me: Um, cancer. Bad weather isn't it?
RW: Yeah yeah. What he die of?
Me: Cancer.
RW: What?
Me: (FUCKING cancer). CANCER.
RW: What age was he?
Me: 47
RW: Not too bad. My friend's niece lost her husband at 35.
Me: Uh okay.
RW: They had twins.
Me: Hmmm. Okay. I better carry on anyway. Just texting someon.....
RW: How are the kids?
Me: Grand. Everything's grand. We're all grand. Never better. See you arou.....
RW: Could be worse. My daughter's fella left her. At least your fella didn't lea....
Me: (Predicting the rest of the conversation). I better get back to this. Nice chatting to ya (ya fucking braindead twat)
RW: Yeah, left her with 3 kids. Awful. How long were you married?
Me: A good few years. I must get on with this stuf....
RW: How long?
Me: 18 years.
RW: Ah sure that's grand so. My friend's son was only married 3 years when his wife died. Or she left. I can't remember. But you got 18 years.
Me: (Shifting uncomfortably)
RW: The girl I was telling you about whose husband died at 35?
Me: Oh yeah the one with the 24 kids? Ha ha
RW: No, a set of twins they had I told you.
Me: Right right.
RW: She got married again.
Me: Lovely.
RW: Ah I dunno. Sure the kids dunno if they're coming or going. One minute at the husband's funeral, next minute their Mam is up and down with a new fella.
Me: It's nice she found someone. How long had she been widowed?
RW: 9 years love.
Me: (Speechless)
RW: Pffffft. Right. Ah sure, I suppose it's handy to have someone to go to the pictures with and that.
Me: The pictures?
RW: Yeah
Me: Jeez it must be one fantastic film if she married him to go to see it with him. Hahahaha. (23 minutes of awkward silence - maybe slightly less)
RW: She goes to the bingo too with him. He has a good job.
Me: The cinema AND bingo. Wow. It's like Romeo and Juliet.
RW: What?
Me: Nothing.
RW: He's a companion I suppose you'd say. No hanky panky though. I wouldn't think so anyway. Sure you'd have no need for that once you have your kids sure you wouldn't?
Me: (Silence)
RW: Do you know what I mean?
Me: (Grabs Cork to Waterford bus timetable off shelf and reads as if life depends on it)
RW: Anyway as I say, you had 18 years and you have your kids. Don't be complaining.
Me: Eh I wasn't. I only came in for a bus pass for my son.
RW: I know but lots have it worse.
Me: Right. It's my turn thank christ. See ya. (Hope you get run over by a bus on your way home).
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