Dating sites - when worlds collide...

"Hello. May we chat? My name is Brad and I live in Idaho."

"Hi Brad. You messaged me by mistake. I'm actually in Ireland."

"My Irish princess! Thank you for replying. My heart skipped a beat when I saw your message. Yes my darling, I know you're in the Emerald Isle - the land of myths and enchantment from whence my ancestors came.

Oh princess, my Celtic princess, as I read your profile each word made my head light with excitement and my heart soar with joy and hope until I found myself asking "Could she be THE ONE? Have I finally found my destiny?"

You are enchanting. Already - and we have yet to speak or hold hands - but already I am drawn to you. This is surely meant to be. What is distance my love but a simple wordly barrier that the heart can easily overcome. I believe in the immeasurable power of love. True love will endure any distance, traverse any desert, scale any mountain. 

I await your reply with longing in my heart."

"In the name of Jesus would ya feck off outta that and don't be annoying me with your feckin myths and your destiny.

I'm in another continent ya bloody eejit. Sure I can't afford the bus into town for the a pint, never mind taking meself off to Idaho or feckin Los Angeles or wherever you're from. 

Go on away outta that boy and get your head checked out. That lightheadedness doesn't sound good at all, not to mention the heart swelling or soaring or whatever shyte you said.

Irish princess me hole."

Sew scared

I don't understand how people are ok about using sewing machines??? How is that possible? I just pressed the foot pedal on a mini sewing machine and I honestly thought I was gonna die.

They're terrifying. And I don't get how a lot of older people use them. The same older people who are scared of things like mobile phones, microwaves, video games, automatic doors, foreigners, cars travelling over 20 mph and feckin' remote controls for christ sake.

Yet they're happy to operate this monstrous life-threatening thing screaming like a kango hammer at 50 million decibels? A needle moving up and down at a rate of knots, threatening to repeatedly impale your fingers? I seriously thought I was gonna lose all the fingers on my left hand.

I'm not well after that. I'm really not :(

Darren the Aldi Trolley

My name is Darren and I'm an Aldi trolley.
My father was a lawnmower,
My Mum, she was a brolly.

I work so feckin’ hard all day,
I never get a rest,
They fling their crap inside me,
There's no order, it's a mess.

I sit outside the entrance,
In rain and snow and thunder.
They put two euro in my slot
And expect me to work wonders.

"Get over here", "go over there"
"Hurry up and do your job".
Theres TVs, skis and cordless drills,
Another Thursday mob.

Some day I hope to be promoted
To M&S in town,
Where the food is posh
The chocolate's lush,
And you never get put down.

The christmas rush is coming.
They'll push and rush and grab.
I wish I'd gone to college,
I might've been a Saab.

Ode to a Boiled Egg

It's a little meal
A gooey mess
A place to dip your toast.

A yellow yolk
Encased in white
Two inches wide at most.

You crack the shell
Impale the yolk
Drench that little soldier. 

White toast, brown toast,
Bread stick, roll,
A cracker, if you're bolder.

I thank the hen
Who laid this egg
She's from the inner city.

Thank you for the protein
And the fuel to write this ditty.

The Lady in the App

I downloaded a fatty app
From Google, it was free.
The lady inside the app
Seemed nice and welcomed me.

She asked about my height and weight,
At first she seemed real caring.
But the more I clicked the pound plus sign ,
The more I felt her glaring.

She says I need to exercise
And tells me what to eat.
She says I can't have chocolate or cakes or an'thin sweet.

Sometimes I am scared of her
I yearn for her approval,
So I sorta make things up,
And I exaggerate my movements.

Today I logged a 5 mile run
'Well done!' app lady said.
In actual fact I lied to her,
Cause I am still in bed.

I logged a can of soy beans,
Said "I'd salad as a snack".
I 'forgot' to log the easter egg
I ate behind her back.

I think she is a bully,
She won't let me eat my fudge.
But I'm no longer scared of her
Who is she to judge?

She lives inside an android app
And thinks she knows it all,
I don't want her anymore,
So I've clicked uninstall!

Mindfulness

Mindfulness - the act of focussing only on the present moment. It's good. It works. But not always. I can't hack it at all if I'm honest!

This is me and mindfulness.....

Okay, breathe in, empty brain of all thoughts. Thoughts, that's a funny word. Actually brain is a funny word too. I like words. What other words are good..... hang on, focus, breathe, empty mind. Right. Must not think about problems and stress. Nothing to be stressed about. Stress is for suckers.... oh jesus, that's the postman, more bills. Bill. That's a funny word. It's also a man's name. Funny. Hang on. Focus. Breathe. Forget the bills. I must pay that other bill too though. Must give the school a ring too. Ring, funny. The ring of fire... the ring of fire... dum de dum de dum dum de dum. Was that Johnny Cash? Course it was. And that other one. Beyonce. I wonder if she does mindfulness. If you like it then you should've put a ring on it. If you like it.... Hang on, focus. No singing. How many breaths is that? Should I be counting them? Fuck. I'll start again. Am I to breathe in and clear my head or breathe out and blow stuff away from my head? Or is it just focus on the breathing? That's it. No, that's not it. It's don't focus on breathing at all. Is that it? Which is it? I need a book on it. Or maybe a course. I can't do a course. Too much going on. How can I fit in a course when I'm trying to drive everyone everywhere and work and clean up. Jesus the house is in shit again. I must clean it up after I do this mindfulness. Breathe. Focus. Or don't focus. Whatever the fuck it is. Think of a blue sky. Oh that's nice. God there's a plane. I wonder where they're off to. Jammy bastards. I am not stressed. I am relaxed. I am focussing only on the present moment. I'll just grab a biscuit as I focus only on the present moment. Jesus, that's a nice biscuit. Focus. Biscuits. Water. Focus on the sea. Oh that's nice. Calm waves. All is right with the world. I can hear the gentle waves calming me. Must not think of anything else except the sea. Clear head. Breathe. Beautiful water - eeeew remember that time I saw all those bandages and condoms in the water. Eeew. Pollution. DIrty bastards. And beer bottle on the sand. Jesus people are dirty assholes. Breathe.

Travel Mug

Fare thee well old travel mug,
You've been a loyal friend.
I'm sorry that you met
With such a nasty horrid end.

I placed you gently on the roof,
Before I drove away.
Delighted to have Kenyan roast
To start another day.

I wondered where you'd got to
As I leaned down to take a sup.
Imagine my surprise to see
The liquid, then the cup.
Pouring down the windscreen,
A deluge of brown gunk.
You crashed onto the fast lane,
Then underneath a truck.

I wish I had you back,
My faithful coffee holder.
I hope you make some friends
In your new home
On the hard shoulder.