The Mammy Rage Alert System

The MI5 have a terror alert system ranging from 'low' to 'critical'. I'm thinking of adapting it for this house.

The Mammy Rage Alert System

LOW means Mam is in great form altogether, her heart is bursting with pride about her sweet precious child. There's a strong possibility that your baby photos will get shared today on Facebook and a definite possibility that Mammy's doing some not-so-subtle bragging to her friends about you. :)

Prepare to hear phrases like:
"Sure you'll always be my baby boy"
"You're not too old for a big squishy hug from your Mammy you know"
"I am truly blessed that you are my child"
"I celebrate the day the angels saw fit to bless me with a child like you"

MODERATE means an attack is possible, but not likely. Be on your guard but she'll probably not come after you today.

Prepare to hear phrases like:
"Ah you're great"
"Good lad"
"You're soooo good"
"You're not too old for a nice hug from your Mammy you know"

SUBSTANTIAL means an attack is a strong possibility. Be very careful. This is a tricky one. She didn't wake up angry with you but anger can and will develop at a rapid pace if your chores are incomplete. So you're sort of safe but any slight provocation and this terror alert could quickly rise to SEVERE or even CRITICAL. You have been warned.

Prepare to hear phrases like:
"Are you sure you swept this floor?"
"FFS I should have just done it myself"
"I'm not made of money"
"You're not too old for a slap from your Mammy you know"

SEVERE means prepare for a shitstorm. There will be screaming, tears and name-calling. If at this current moment you haven't prepared an adequate excuse for not cutting the grass or walking the dog you WILL feel her wrath. Be aware that anything less than "I couldn't (cut the grass/wash the dishes/sweep the floor) because I broke my two arms and legs" will most likely not suffice.  Stay out of her immediate vicinity at all times.

Prepare to hear phrases like:
"FFS aren't you done cutting the grass yet? There's whole new species of plants growing there since you started"
"What did your last slave die of?"
"I dunno where I went wrong"
"You have no respect for me"
"You're not too old for a hard kick up the ass from your Mammy you know"

CRITICAL means Mammy is absolutely fucking raging. You are in imminent danger of attack and a shitstorm is gonna go down. Find a safe place to hide and prepare your excuses. Be aware that anything less than "I couldn't (cut the grass/wash the dishes/sweep the floor) because I actually fucking died yesterday" will most likely not suffice. And actually there is no guarantee that death itself will curb her rage. She's mad as hell and will unleash decades of pent up rage with minimal provocation.

Prepare to hear phrases like:
"How are you gonna cope when I'm dead which could be any day now with the fuckin stress you're creating"
"Sheila's son is great around the house"
"I curse the day you were born"
"You've let me down, you've let the family down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"
"You're not too old for Mammy to beat the ever-loving shit outta ya"

And the ultimate Level 5 alert phrase:
"I'm not so much angry with you, I'm disappointed"
(Note: this isn't actually true, please be in no doubt she IS disappointed but she's also seething with hot burning rage and yes, it's all because of you).